When you THINK you have a bad day, remember this one from a young mother...  "I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came
into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. "Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few
shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
 Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror---wearing nothing but a camera!"

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm
 Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong,
 she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
 The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you
 Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
 She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play
 with the boys?"
 Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
 too rough."
 The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
 "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

1.  My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...  "Just wait until we get home."
2.  My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....  "You are going to get it when we get home!"
3.  My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...  "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ...  Don't talk back to me!"
4.  My Mother taught me LOGIC...  "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
5.  My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...  "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6.  My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...  "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
7.  My Mother taught me ESP...  "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
8.  My Mother taught me HUMOR...  "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
9.  My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...  "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
10.  My Mother taught me about SEX....  "How do you think you got here?"
11.  My Mother taught me about GENETICS...  "You're just like your father."
12.  My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...  "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
13.  My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...  "When you get to be my age, you will understand.
14.  And my all time favorite...  JUSTICE...  "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

The British Government`s policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers." Under the
 government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of
 a proxy father -- a government employee who attempts to solve the couple `s problem by impregnating the wife.

 The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I `m off. The government
 man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell...
 Ms. Smith: Good morning.
 Salesman: Good morning, madam. You don `t know me, but I've come to...
 Ms. Smith: No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
 Salesman: Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins.
 Ms. Smith: That`s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
 Salesman: (Sitting) Then you don`t need to be sold on the idea?
 Ms. Smith: Don`t concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do.
 Salesman: Well, perhaps we should get down to it.
 Ms. Smith: (Blushing) Just where do we start?
 Salesman: Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out.
 Ms. Smith: Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me.
 Salesman: Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles,  I`m sure you`ll be pleased with the result. In fact, my business card says, `I aim to please`.
 Ms. Smith: Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal.
 Salesman: Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I`d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you`d be disappointed with that.
 Ms. Smith: Don`t I know? Have you had much success at this?
 Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London.
 Ms. Smith: Oh, my?
 Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.
 Ms. Smith: She was?
 Salesman: Yes, I`m afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.
 Ms. Smith: Four and five deep?
 Salesman: Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I`m afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.
 Ms. Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ..., equipment?
 Salesman: That`s right, but it`s all in a day`s work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store.
 Ms. Smith: I just can`t believe it.
 Salesman: Well, madam, if you`re ready, I`ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.
 Ms. Smith: TRIPOD???
 Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It`s much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I`m shooting. Ms. Smith? ... Ms. Smith? ...My word, she`s fainted?

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED
OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they
figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the
SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light
bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light
bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$%
LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE
HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE
HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
  Unique Up On It.

  How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
  Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

  How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
  They Take The Psycho Path.

  How Do You Get Holy Water?
  You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

  What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
  Dam!

  What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
  Polaroid's

  What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
  A Stick.

  What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
  Nacho Cheese.

  What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
  Subordinate Clauses.

  What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
  Spoiled Milk.

  Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
  Right Where You Left Him.

  Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
  Because It Scares The Dog.

  What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
  Sanka.

  What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
  The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

  Why Does A Pilgrim's Pants Always Fall Down?
  Because They Wear Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

  What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
  A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang.
  A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang, Whack

  What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop, Clop, Clop?
  An Amish Drive-By Shooting

  How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
  Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

      Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
      A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
      Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

      Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
      A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

      Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
      A. Who cares.

      Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
      caring, and good-looking?
      A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

      Q. When would you care for a man's company?
      A. When he owns it.

      Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
      A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.

      Q. Why do men get married?
      A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

      Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?
      A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the
      bedroom and a Jackass to pay for it all.

      Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
      A. Put the remote control between his toes.

      Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
      A. So men can remember them.

      Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
      A. So they can find their way back to the house.

      Q: Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
      A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild,
      and when they go, they take your house and car

  An application was for employment
  A program was a TV show
  A cursor used profanity
  A keyboard was a piano!

  Memory was something that you lost with age
  A CD was a bank account
  And if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy
  You hoped nobody found out!

  Compress was something you did to garbage
  Not something you did to a file
  And if you unzipped anything in public
  You'd be in jail for awhile!

  Log on was adding wood to a fire
  Hard drive was a long trip on the road
  A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
  And a backup happened to your commode!

  Cut - you did with a pocket knife
  Paste you did with glue
  A web was a spider's home
  And a virus was the flu!

   I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
  And the memory in my head
   I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
   But when it happens they wish they were dead!

     On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.  "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big... very big ...an intimidating figure.  The woman froze.  Her first thought was:  These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.  But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then....one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heardone of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button," The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average sized gentleman, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for
 behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter while they walked back to the elevator.
 The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
  The next morning flowers were delivered to her room -- a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.
The card said:  "Thanks for the
 best laugh we've had in years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy and Michael Jordan..

SOUTHERN PHRASES THAT WILL HELP YOU FIT IN
IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH
1.      "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
2.      "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
3.      "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
4.      "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
5.      "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
6.      "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
7.      "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
8.      "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
9.      "He's as country as corn flakes."
10.     "This is gooder'n grits."
11.     "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
12.     "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to
                help me enjoy  it."

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
    1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
    2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
    4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
    5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
    6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
    7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
    8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
    9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
    10) School lunches stick to the wall.
    11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    12) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
    13) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

    GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
    1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
    2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
    3) One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
    4) Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
    5) The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere- and let the air out of their tires.
    6) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
    7) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
    8) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
    9) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
    10) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
    11) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

    GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
    1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
    2) Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
    3) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
    4) You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
    5) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
    6) Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
    7) One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
    8) Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
    9) God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
    10) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    11) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
    12) There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
    13) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
    14) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
    15) Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
    16) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
    17) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
    18) Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
    19) It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
    20) Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
    21) Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and,
 clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns
 the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

 A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing
 out of the seams turned slowly on his stool.  He looked down at the
 quivering little man and said, "It's my dog.  Why?"

 "Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog
 just killed it, sir."

 "What?"  roared the big man in disbelief.  "What in the hell kind
 of dog do you have?"

 "Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."

 "Bull!"  roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

 "It appears that he choked on it, sir."

If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why do they have locks on the door?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other,
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks,
"What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm here to get my tonsils
out, and I'm a little nervous."    The first kid says, "You've got nothing to
worry about. I had that done when  I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they
give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"  The second kid then asks,
"What are you here for?"  The first kid says, "A circumcision."  The second
kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year!"

For all the times we mothers do airheaded things...this beats all!!!    This could only happen to a man...

(This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father. The names have been changed to protect the dignity of the father...)

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.   The corners of
my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our  backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
     I love mustard....
     I had no napkin....
     I licked it off....
     It was not mustard....

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did thesort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said,   "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Don't Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is      incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a  justa tellin' my frienda how to spella   'Mississippi'."

Management Quiz

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional".  Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.
 

1.  How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2.  How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
 

3.  The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.  All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Correct Answer:
The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4.  There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.  How  do you manage it?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Correct Answer:
You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong.    But many preschoolers got several correct answers.  Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":  tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest on us when we take the initiative.

NOW... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

RULES OF THE AIR (as appeared in June 2000 Australian Aviation Magazine)
 

1.  Every takeoff is optional.  Every landing is mandatory.

2.  If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger.  If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.  That is, unless you keep pulling the stickall the way back, then they get bigger again.

3.  Flying isn't dangerous.  Crashing is what's dangerous.

4.  It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5.  The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6.  The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.  When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7.  When in doubt, hold on to your altitude.  No one has ever collided with the sky.

8.  A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away.  A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9.  Learn from the mistakes of others.  You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10.  You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11.  The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.  Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12.  Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13.  Stay out of clouds.  The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.  Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14.  Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15.  There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16.  You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17.  Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18.  If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19.  In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20.  Good judgment comes from experience.  Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21.  It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22.  Keep looking around.  There's always something you've missed.

23.  Remember, gravity is not just a good idea.  It's the law.  And it's not subject to repeal.

24.  The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

  If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

  Learn to work the toilet seat.  If it's up, put it down.

  If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,  don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

  Don't cut your hair.    Ever.   Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.
   One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

   Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if  we can find the perfect present yet again!
   We can't.

   If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

  Sometimes, we're not thinking about you.  Live with it.
   Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or our last good dump.

   Sunday = sports.
   It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
   Let it be.

   Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to  think of it that way.

   When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.  Really.

  You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

  Crying is blackmail.
  Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work.  Really obvious hints don't work.
  Just say it!

  No, we don't know what day it >

Transfer interrupted!

  Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

   Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

   Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question we ask.

   Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

   A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

   Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

   Check your oil and your gas gauge.

   It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take  the quiz together   No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

   Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
   All comments become null and void after 7 days.

   If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,  we meant the other one.

   Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

   You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

   Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

   ALL men see in only 16 colors.  Peach is a fruit, not a color.

   If it itches, it will be scratched.

   Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

   If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
   We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

   What the hell is a doily?

These are actual instructions on various products...

1 On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2 On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists.
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3 On a Taiwanese shampoo.
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4 On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink.
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5 On a New Zealand insect spray.
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6 In a US guide to setting up a new computer.
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7 On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids.
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT.  WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8 In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles.
OPEN OTHER END.

9 On a packet of Sunmaid raisins.
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10 On a Sears hairdryer.
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11 On a bag of Fritos.
YOU COULD BE A WINNER!  NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.  DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12 On a bar of Dial soap.
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

13 On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box).
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14 On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding.
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15 On a Korean kitchen knife.
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit!  Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16 On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights.
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

17 On a Japanese food processor.
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

18 On Sainsbury's peanuts.
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? And that's bad why?)

19 On an American Airlines packet of nuts.
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20 On a Swedish chainsaw.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21 On a child's superman costume.
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

1.) You know several people who have hit a deer.
2.) You've never met any celebrities.
3.) You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
4.) Down south to you means Kentucky.
5.) You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Terre Haute".
6.) Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
7.) Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
8.) You know what the phrase "Knee-high by the Fourth of July" means.
9.) You've heard of Euchre, you know how to play Euchre, and you are the master of Euchre.
10.) You've seen a running car, with nobody in it, in the parking lot of the grocery store no matter what time of year it is.
11.) You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna' go with."
12.) Detassling was your first job. Bailing hay, your second. OR You could stack hay, swim in the pond to clean off, and then have the strength to play a couple of games of hoops all in the same barn lot on the same day.
13.) You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.  OR "stoke the fire" and "fling open the windows" for the older version.
14.) You say things like "catty-wumpus" and "kitty-corner".
15.) You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
16.) You carry jumper cables in your car regularly.
17.) You drink "pop".
18.) You know what "cow tipping" is.
19.) You know that Bailin' wire was the predecessor to Duct tape.
20.) You know that strangers are the only ones that come to your 'front' door.
21.) Kids and dogs ride in the passenger seats of cars and the backs of pick ups.
22.)  You think nothing of it in spring and fall to be stuck behind  a farm implement driving on the roads.
23.) High school basketball game draws a bigger crowd on the weekend nights than movie theatres.
24.) Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
25.) The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1 page, but requires 6 for sports.
26.)  Most can repeat the scores of the last 8 IU games, but unless the VP is a Hoosier, we aren't sure who he is.
27.) If you can see at least 2 basketball hoops from your yard.
28.) You can name every one of Bob Knight's "exploits" over the last 20 years.
29.) You shop at Marsh.
30.) Damon Bailey was your childhood hero.
31.) The biggest question of your youth was "IU or Purdue?"
32.)  Indianapolis is the "big city."
33.) "Getting caught for a train" is a legitimate excuse for being late to school.
34.) The Wabash River is "biggest body of water" near your house.
35.) You know of several different definitions as to what a Hoosier really is.
36.) People at your high school chewed tobacco.
37.) Everyone knows who the town cop is, where he lives, and whether he is at home or on duty.
38.) To get to school you had to drive on a gravel road, a road with several right-angle turns in it, or if you were really lucky, over a covered bridge.
39.) People in your neighborhood, really, REALLY like Nascar.
40.)  You actually know what the CART vs. IRL debate is about, and you have taken a side.
41.) To you, a raccoon is simply a "coon."
42.) The vehicle of choice in your area is not a car, but a pickup.
43.) You are a BIG John Mellencamp fan.
44.) You've been to the Covered Bridge Festival.
45.) You took backroads to get there... why sit in traffic?
46.) To you, a tenderloin is not an expensive cut of beef but a big, salty, breaded piece of pork served on a bun with pickles.
47.) You call a green pepper a "mango."
48.) Sometimes, you call the toilet the "commode" or the "stool."
49.) Everyone in your town knows the high school quarterback and basketball starters...personally.
50.) In the fall, one of your favorite pranks was "corning" cars.
51.) You know what "corning" is.
52.)  Half of the kids at your high school were related to each other... and knew about it.
53.) The rest of the kids at your school eventually discovered they were related to each other... after running into one another at family reunions.
54.) Walmart is the most exciting place in your hometown.
55.) Technically, you don't even live in a town.
56.) The county fair is THE social event in your area.
57.) You go to the fair every night of it's week-long duration.
58.) Everyone at your high school has dated each other. Literally.
59.) You know what FFA stands for.
60.) A typical party at your high school consisted of a bunch of people driving trucks into the woods or an empty field, lighting a bonfire, and staring at it while drinking a few beers.
61.) It is a 30 minute drive from your house to the grocery store.
62.)"Y'all" is an acceptable form of address for groups of three or more people.
63.) Your friends' parents had all the same teachers in high school that you had.
64.) You are so used to the smell of pig poop that it doesn't really disgust you anymore.
65.) You had friends who wore their mud/poop/dirt covered "barn shoes" to school.
66.) You know what chip-and-seal is, and your high school was located on just such a road.
67.) You think that Notre Dame is a college near South Bend, and not a cathedral in France.
68.) You know at least five people who own belt buckles with their initials on them. These buckles are the size of a dinner plate.
69.) Cows have been known to graze on your high school's baseball diamond.

Old age and treachery will win out over youth and skill nearly every time.
Who said Texans weren't very smart?

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.  He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here!"
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck,  I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas.  We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick  Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his willpower and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot!  Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

   1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ...and I also know that I'm not blonde.
   -Dolly Parton-

   2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
   -Erica Jong-

   3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me.  One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours.  I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
   -Rita Rudner-

   4. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
   - Wendy Liebman-

   5. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
   - Erma Bombeck-

   6. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
   - Sue Grafton-

   7. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
   -Roseanne Barr-

   8. I think-therefore I'm single.
   -Liz Winstead-

   9. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
   -Elayne Boosler-
 

   10. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
   -Maryon Pearson-

   11. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
   -Gilda Radner-

   12. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man;  if you want
     anything done, ask a woman.
   -Margaret Thatcher-

   13. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
   -Gloria Steinhem-

   14. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.  I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
   -Marie Corelli-

   15. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
   -Baroness Edith Summerskill

   16. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
   -Linda Ellerbee

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics".
Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."
Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds.
"Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and Assholes."
Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks"
or
"Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

  A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Updated 8/15/00