1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.  When
using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.  It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight.

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a  fairy godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill 3 Wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be Rich."
          **POOF**
The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid Gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a Young and Beautiful Princess."
          **POOF**
The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite Young Princess, with a priceless Crown of Jewels.

"Your Third Wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother.
The elderly woman's Dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof." "Could you possibly turn my wonderful Dog into a Handsome Prince?"
          **POOF**
There, in front of the Old Woman, who has now turned into a Beautiful Princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me Neutered."

adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto
anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.
antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
asperate.......(v) when yer butt sweats
bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)
cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress
type peepul live.
emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how
fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)
genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee
heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1
hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter
mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female
papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy
recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur
rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk
seizure......(n) Emperore of Rome.
series.......(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
testicles....(n) books of the Bible
tumor........(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call
urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

 A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic  pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the  ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away   from unconsciousness when to her great fortune .....
  Frank, the Walmart greeter,sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well.....
'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
 
 

  First name: (Check appropriate box)
 (_) Billy-Bob
 (_) Billy-Joe
 (_) Billy-Ray
 (_) Billy-Sue
 (_) Billy-Mae
 (_) Billy-Jack
 (_) Bobby-Joe
 (_) Bobby-Ray
 (_) Bobby-Sue
 (_) Bobby-Jack

What does everyone call you?
 (_) Booger
 (_) Bubba
 (_) Junior
 (_) Sissy
 (_) Other___________________

 Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

 Sex: ___ M ___ F ___ Not sure___Both

 Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher

Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________

Lover's Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______

Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Mother's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___
 Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
 ____ bedroom
 ____ bathroom
 ____ kitchen
 ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

 Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
 (_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?

 Dear Consumers:

 It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen.  It reads: WINDERS 98, with a background picture of General Robert E.Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.
 Also note:
 The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
 My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
 Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
 Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
 Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
 Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
 Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up

 CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:
 OK . . . . . . ats aw-right
 Cancel . . . . . . . stopdat
 Reset . . . . . . try er agin
 Yes . . . . . . . . . . . . yep
 No . . . . . . . . . . .  noop
 Find . . . . . . .  hunt fer it
 Go to. . . . . over yonder
 Back  . . . . back yonder
 Help . .  hep me out here
 Stop . . . . . . . . . . kwitit
 Start . . . . .. crank er up
 Settings . . . . . . .  settins
 Programs . . . stuff at duz stuff
 Documents . . . stuff ah done did

 Also note that the Southern edition does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
 Tiperiter . . . . . . . . A word processing program
 Colerin book . . . . . . a graphics program
 Cyferin mersheen . . . . . calculator
 Outhouse paper . . . . . notepad
 Jjupe-box . . . . . . . CD Player
 Inner-net . . . . . . . . Microsoft Explorer 4.0
 Pichers . . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer
 Revenuer . . . . . . . . MS accounting software
 Sneaky revenuer . . . . . Acct'g software with hidden file
 Tax records . . . . . . usually an empty file
 Coon dog . . . . . . . American kennel club records
 We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of  the Southern Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
 I hope this helps all y'all!
 Billy Bob Gates
 Head Honcho

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I  am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So, next Sunday,  he took the monsignor's advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,'"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks  for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's,  not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

The CIA had an opening for an assissin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, kill her!!! The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must work in Management.
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. "Hello?" said a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my god! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."
There was a long pause....... then Bob said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"

 1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy
 to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

 2. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy
 of an atomic bomb.  (Now that's more like it!)

 3. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

 4. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

 5. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

 6. A cockroach will live 9 days without it's head before it starves to death.

 07. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.   The female
 initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home.  What the.....")

 08. Butterflies taste with their feet.

 09. Elephants are the only mammals that can't jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

 10. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

 11. Polar bears are left handed. (Who figured that out?)

 12. Some lions mate over 30 times a day.

 13. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her.  They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants.  She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
 The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"  The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room.  She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy."  The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide.
 They wander further into the next room.  She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue.  Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"! This is too much.
 The woman has to ask.  So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.'  What on earth does that mean?"
 The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."

 A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen of the house. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found  her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
 The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up-righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline,and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
 After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.  The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned
himself.
 She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
 Now THAT, dear friends, is a truly bad day.

                Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

   Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
   The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but    the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
   The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts    into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
   While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into    her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
   Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic    footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After    years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
   About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in  his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and   she asked him what was the matter. "Honey," he said.  "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
   "What do you mean?" asked Martha.
   "Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.
   But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think  I got 'em all back in."

 LOG ON - making the stove hotter
 LOG OFF - don't add no more wood
 MONITOR - keepin' an eye on the wood stove
 DOWNLOAD - gettin' the farwood offa the truck
 MEGA HERTZ - what yer haid feels like afta 17 beers
 FLOPPY DISK - whatcha git fer carriun too much farwood
 RAM - that thang that splitz the farwood
 HARD DRIVE - gettin' home in the winter
 WINDOWS - what you shut when it's cold outside
 SCREEN - what you shut when it's black fly season
 BYTE - what them black flys do
 CHIP - munchies for the t.v.
 MICRO CHIP - what's left in the munchie bag
 MODEM - what I did to the hay fields
 DOT MATRIX - ole' man Matrix's wife
 LAP TOP - whar the car sits
 KEYBOARD - whar the keys to the John Deere is kept
 SOFTWARE - them dang plastic knives and forks
 MOUSE - what eats the grain
 MAIN FRAME - holds up the barn ruf
 PORT - fancy flatlander wine
 ENTER - northern talk for yall come in
 MOUSE PAD - hippie talk for rat hole
 BAR CODE - them's the rules fer fightin' down at the local tavern
 BUG - the reason you give fer callin' in sick
 CACHE - needed when ya run out of food stamps
 TERMINAL - time to call the undertaker
 CRASH - when you go to Jr's party uninvited
 DIGITAL - the art of counting on your fingers
 DISKETTE - female disco dancer
 FAX - what you lie about to the IRS
 HACKER - Uncle Leroy afta 32 years of smokin'
 HARD COPY - pictures you look at when selecting a tatoo
 INTERNET - where cafeteria workers put their hair
 MAC - Bubba's favorite food place
 NETWORK - scoopin' up the big fish before it breaks the line
 ON LINE - where to stay when you're taking a sobriety test
 ROM - where the Pope lives
 SERIAL PORT - red wine you drink with breakfast
 SUPER CONDUCTOR - Amtrak's employee of the year

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...
"Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for the children's sermon, and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

 For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron deficient blood, lack of vitamins, partying, drinking, drugs, and a  dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason I'm tired -- because  I'm overworked......
 The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million  are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.  Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal  government.  This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just  two people to do the work.  You and me.
And you're sitting there screwin' around on the internet!

Top 20 things to do at Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, etc. while your spouse is taking his/her sweet time!

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ... even your heart! That is why they say, "God bless you!"
Only 7% of the population are lefties.
Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
The average housefly lives for one month.  (Unless it gets in 'my 'house'.)
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. (may I ask, "How"?)
A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day
About 20% of all adults in the US have or have had a cockroach
that called their inner ear canal HOME. They enter while you sleep! (This rates a good 10 on the ewwww-yuck scale and right up there with the fact that many of us have eaten a spider in our sleep too)
The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.
John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
Among the music catalogues that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem.
In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.
If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Updated 8/5/00