Hello and Welcome to the Psychiatrist
Hotline.
If you are an obsessive compulsive,
please press 1, repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please
ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities,
please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are a paranoid-delusional,
we know who you are and what you want; Please stay on the line while we
trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen
carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive,
it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
Thank you and have a good day.
20 Fun Thing to Do In An Elevator
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead
and muttering: " Shut up, I said Shut up. All of you just shut up!!"
2. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small
World" incessantly. Crack open your briefcase and ask : You got enough
air in there?"
3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner,
facing the wall without getting off.
4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and
strain to yank the doors open and then act embarrassed when they open automatically.
5. Greet everyone on board with a from handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.
6. Stare wide eyed at another passenger for
a while, and then announce: " I've got new socks on!"
7. Meow occasionally
8. Bet the other passengers you can fit a
quarter up your nose.
9. Stare wide-eyed at another passenger and
then shout: " You're one of THEM!"
10. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it
to talk to the other passengers.
11. When the elevator is silent, look around
and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
12. Say "Ding" at each floor.
13. Say: " I wonder what these do." and then
push and pull all the knobs and buttons.
14. Draw a small circle on the floor and then
announce that this is your private space.
15. Announce in a demonic voice, " I must
find a suitable host body"
16. Make explosion noises when anyone pushes
a button.
17. Start panting heavily, close your eyes
and begin chanting: " Closed spaces are fun, Closed spaces are fun".
18. When no one is looking grab the rail and
start shaking the elevator.
19. Wear 'x-ray' specs and leer suggestively
at the other passengers.
20. Grab the elevator phone and pretend you
are talking to God.
A Plan for the improvement of English spelling by Mark Twain.
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter
'c' would be dropped to be replased by either 'k' or 's' and likewise 'x'
would no longer be a part of the alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would
be retained would be the 'ch' formation, which will be dealt with later.
Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling, so that which and one would take the
same konsanant, wile Year 3 might well abolish 'y', replacing it with 'i'
and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g/j' anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally. then, the improvement would kontinue
iear bai iear 5 doing awai with uselass double konsonants, and iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl ty meik ius ov thi ridandant
letez 'c', 'y', and 'x'== bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez--tu
riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl
riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewaat xe Ingliy-spiking
werld.
Pondering...
If a man speaks in the woods and there is no
woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Since light travels faster than sound, is
that why some people appear bright until they speak?
What would a chair look like if our knees
bent the other way?
Ever stop to think, and then forget to start
again?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they
all have to drown?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness
pays off right now.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk
of magnesia, would you get a Philip's screwdriver?
Why is the man who invest all your money called
a broker?
If horrific means to make horrible, doesn't
terrific mean to make terrible?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there
are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they
tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?
If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of
parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why do
they have locks on the door?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what
does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights
on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
For the Love of Beans...
Once upon a time, there lived a man who
had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always
had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day
he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage
with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave
up beans. Shortly after that, they were married.
A few months later, on the way home
from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned
his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On
his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to
walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So
he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All they way
home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful
surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led
him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as
his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made
him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.
He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but
ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better
when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiippp!! It sounded
like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from
gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming.
He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue
ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned
in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying
blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and
then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating
the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his
lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the
picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she
asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he
had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
What Men Really Mean
"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself
dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while
the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought
pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the
table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a
conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse
to drive like a maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have
things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head
over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over
the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast
cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and
thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song
to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle
Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your
birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you
these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on
the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no
big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed
a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think
of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched
hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue
what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough
so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you
yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try
on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us
alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans
them up."
Advice for Idiots
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental,
Health & Safety
Handbook for Employees: "Blink your
eyelids periodically to lubricate
your eyes."
Idiot Sightings
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership
to pick up our car, we were told that the
keys had been accidentally
locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic
working feverishly to unlock the driver's
side door. As I watched from
the passenger's side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and
discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced
to the technician, "It's
open!" "I know," answered the young
man. "I already got that side."
What's the difference between a northern fairytale
and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna
believe this shit..."
Guess Who?
Just for fun, try to identify this outfit of
over 500 employees with the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk
driving
Give up?
Yup - it's the 535 members of your United States
Congress.
The same group that perpetually cranks out
hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent
their vacation.
One child wrote the following:
"We always used to spend the holidays with
Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live here in a big brick house,
but Grandpa got retarded
and they moved to Florida and now they live
in a place with a lot of other
retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted
green to look like grass.
They ride around on big tricycles and wear
name tags because they don't know
who they are anymore. They go to a building
called a wrecked center, but
they must have got it fixed, because it is
all right now.
They play games and do exercises there, but
they don't do them very
well. There is a swimming pool, too,
but they all jump up and down
in it with their hats on. I guess they don't
know how to swim.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a
little old man sitting
in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out.
Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff,
but I guess she forgot how.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And
they eat the same thing every
night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't
get past the man in the
dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get
out bring food back to the
wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life
to earn his retardment and says
I should work hard so I can be retarded some
day, too. when I earn my
retardment I want to be the man in the doll
house. Then I will let people
out so they can visit their grandchildren."
A blonde bought two horses, and could never
remember which was
which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail
of one horse and
that worked great until the other horse got
his tail caught in
a bush.
It tore just right and looked exactly like
the other horse's
tail and our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse.
That worked fine until the other horse caught
his ear on a
barbed wire fence.
Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find
that the white
horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
Two Ethical Questions
Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?
(Don't answer yet, read the next question before scrolling down to the answer to this one)
Q2: It is time to elect the world leader,
and your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three leading
candidates:
Candidate A
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults
with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes
and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps
until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital
affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down
for the answer.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
and by the way:
The answer to the abortion question, -- if you said yes...........You just killed Beethoven.
Yep, things are not always as they seem.....
The Difference Between Men and Women in One Paragraph:
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of her window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Once upon a time in a large magical forest
a frog was sitting on a log
thinking about how lonely he was. All of a
sudden he was startled by a
bear chasing a rabbit through the bushes.
He was so happy to see other
animals that he stooped them and granted them
each 3 wishes. The bear
quickly said, "I wish all the bears in this
forest besides me were
female." The rabbit thought for a moment and
wished for a crash helmet
and immediately put it on. The bear was shocked
that the rabbit wasted
his first wish and said, "For my 2nd wish
I wish that all the bears in
the next forest were female too." The rabbit
quickly responded, "For my
2nd wish I would like a motorcycle."
It appeared and he jumped right on.
The bear was just astonished and said, "For
my 3rd I wish that all the
bears in the world were female." The rabbit
started his motorcycle,
revved the engine, and said " For my 3rd wish
I wish the bear was gay"
A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of
you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take
this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise
their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here
ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one
question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student
way in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes
off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've
been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have
slept with a ghost. You've got to come up
here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a
nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles
slowly toward the podium the professor
says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have
sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit.....
From way back there I thought you said "goats."
An American is having breakfast one morning;
coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing
gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless,
starts a conversation:
Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole
bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We
don't. In Canada, We only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container, recycle
it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Canadian
has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with
the bread??"
American: "Of Course."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth
and chuckling).
"We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for
breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers,
recycle them, transform
them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in
Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian
says with a big smirk.
American: And what do you do with the condoms
once you've used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them
in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell
them to Canada.
Women's English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision
should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a
new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture,
and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it
there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost
asleep
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree
with me
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such
an asshole
Men's English
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to
have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to
have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have
sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have
sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted
psychological trauma are you going through now?
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by
showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with
me.
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go
well together = I am gay.
The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards have been released!
These awards are given each year
to bestow upon (the remains
of) that individual, who
through single-minded self-sacrifice, has
done the most to remove
undesirable elements from the human gene
pool.
5th Runner-up:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man died when he hit
a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain
ski area while riding down the
slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David
Hubal was pronounced dead at
Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident
occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono
County Sheriff's Department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently
had hiked up a ski run called Stump
Alley and undid some yellow foam
protectors from lift towers, said Lt.
Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth
Lakes Police Department. The pads are
used to protect skiers who might
hit towers. The group apparently used
the pads to slide down the ski
slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.
It has since been investigated
and determined the tower he hit was
the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St.Louis market. When
the clerk threatened to call the
police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved
it into his mouth and walked
out without paying. Police found him
unconscious in front of the
store. Paramedics removed the six-inch
wiener from his throat where it
had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher
Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a
stag standing above him on an overhanging
rock and was killed
instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up:
"Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia
party (probably related to the man in
Arkansas who used the 22 bullet
to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck)
popped a blasting cap into
his mouth and bit down, triggering an
explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer,
24, of Kincaid, bit the
blasting cap as a prank during the party
late Tuesday night, said Cpl.
M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an
aquarium hooked to a battery and
was trying to explode it", said Payne.
"It wouldn't go off and this
guy said I'll show you how to set it
off". "He put it into his mouth
and bit down. It blew all his teeth
out and his lips and tongue off",
Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded
condition Wednesday with
extensive facial injuries, according
to a spokesperson at Charleston
Area Medical Division. "I just can't
imagine anyone doing something
like that" Payne said.
1st Runner-up: Doctors
at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon
man shot through the skull by a hunting
arrow is lucky to be alive and
will be released soon from the hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his
right eye last weekend during an initiation
into a men's rafting club,
Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known
now as Stupid Mountain Men
Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A
friend tried to shoot a beer can
off his head, but the arrow entered
Robert's right eye. Doctors said
had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the
left, a major blood vessel
would have been cut and Roberts would
have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw
at the University Hospital in
Portland said the arrow went through
8 to 10 inches of brain with the
tip protruding at the rear of his skull,
yet somehow managed to miss
all major blood vessels. Delashaw also
said had Roberts tried to pull
the arrow out on his own he surely would
have killed himself. Roberts
admitted afterwards he and his friends
had been drinking that
afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so
dumb about this". No charges have
been filed, but the Josephine County
district attorney's office said
the initiation stunt is under investigation.
This year's winners:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend,(the
late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state
of Washington, decided to attend
a local Metallica concert at the George
Washington amphitheater.
Having no tickets (but having had 18
beers between them), they thought
it would be easy to "hop" over the nine-foot
fence and sneak into the
show. They pulled their pick-up truck
over to the fence and the plan
was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky who
was 100-pounds heavier than Mr.
Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist
his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky,
there was a 30-foot drop on
the other side of the fence. Having
heaved himself over, he found
himself crashing through a tree. His
fall was abruptly halted (and
broken, along with his arm, as it were)
by a large branch that snagged
him by his shorts. Dangling from the
tree with a broken arm, he looked
down and saw some bushes below him.
(Possibly) figuring the bushes
would break his fall; he removed his
pocketknife and proceeded to cut
away his shorts to free himself from
the tree. Finally free, Mr.
Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes.
The sharp leaves scratched his
ENTIRE body and now, without the protection
of his shorts, a Holly
branch penetrated his rectal cavity.
To make matters worse (?!), on
landing, his pocketknife penetrated
his thigh 3-inches. Mr.Hawkins, on
seeing his friend in considerable pain
and agony, decided to throw him
a rope and pull him to safety by tying
the rope to the pick-up truck
and slowly driving away. However, in
his drunken haste/state, he put
the truck into reverse and crashed through
the fence landing on his
friend and killing him. Police arrived
to find the crashed pick-up
with its driver thrown 100-feet from
the truck and dead at the scene
from massive internal injuries. Upon
moving the truck, they found John
under it, half-naked with scratches
on his body, a holly stick in his
rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his
shorts dangling from a tree
branch 25-feet in the air.
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :
"I chose these because I noticed that
you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones
that are easier to remove. These are
a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she
had been wearing for the past three weeks
and they are hardly soiled. I had her
try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to
put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in
contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take
them off, remember to blow in them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little
damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the
coming year! All my love.
PS The latest style is to wear them folded
down with a little fur showing.
You Know You Are Getting Older When.....
1. You and your teeth don't
sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten
out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table
you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but
you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking
like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to
get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night
out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a
nap.
9. When you're on vacation
and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids
that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your
birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and
look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting
is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than
it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and
your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly
names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair
and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become
your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you
found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is
merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long -
to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what
doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses
for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a
steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits
and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but
it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head
together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be
over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
Useless Info that you'll only need on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"
1. The US interstate highway system requires
that one
mile
in every five be straight. These straight
sections
function as airstrips in times of war and
other
emergencies.
2. The Boston University
Bridge is the only place in
the world
where a boat can sail under a train
driving
under a car driving under an airplane.
3. Cats have over one hundred
vocal sounds, while dogs
have
only about ten.
4. Our eyes are always the
same size from birth, but
our nose
and ears never stop growing.
5. In every episode of Seinfeld,
there is a superman
somewhere.
6. February 1965 is the
only month in recorded history
not to
have a full moon.
7. The cruise liner, Queen
Elisabeth II, moves only
six inches
for every gallon of diesel fuel that it
burns.
8. Isaac Asimov is the only
author to have a book
published
in every major Dewey Decimal category.
9. Columbia University is
the second largest land
owner
in New York City, after the Catholic Church.
10. Cat urine glows under a black light.
11. Back in the mid-80s, an IBM
compatible computer
wasn't
considered 100% compatible unless it could
run Microsoft's
Flight Simulator.
12. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
13. In the last 4000 years, no
new animals have been
domesticated.
14. Babies are born without kneecaps.
They don't
appear
until the child is 2-6 years of age.
15. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous
if injected
intravenously.
16. If you have three quarters,
four dimes and four
pennies,
you have $1.19. You also have the largest
amount
of money in coins without being able to make
change
for a dollar.
17. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
18. Michael Jordan makes more
money from Nike annually
than
all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia
combined.
19. No NFL team which plays its
home games in a dome
has ever
won a Superbowl.
20. The first toilet ever seen
on TV was on "Leave it
to Beaver."
21. In the Great Fire of London
in 1666, half of the
city
was burned down but only 6 people were
injured.
22. One of the reasons marijuana
is illegal today is
because
cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against
hemp
farmers---they saw them as competitors.
23. Only one person in two billion
will live to be 116
years
old.
24. The name Wendy was made up
for the book-"Peter
Pan".
25. The characters Bert and Ernie
on Sesame Street were
named
after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver
in Frank
Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life"
26. It was discovered on a space
mission that a frog
can throw
up. The frog throws up its stomach
first,
so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth.
The frog
then uses its forearms to dig out all of
the stomach
contents and then swallows the stomach
back
down again.
27. Armored knights raised their
visors to identify
themselves
when they rode past their king. This
custom
has become the modern military salute.
28. Sylvia Miles had the shortest
performance ever
nominated
for an Oscar, in "Midnight Cowboy". Her
entire
role lasted only 6 minutes.
29. Charles Lindbergh took only
four sandwiches with
him on
his famous transatlantic flight.
30. Goethe couldn't stand the
sound of barking dogs and
could
only write if he had an apple rotting in the
drawer
of his desk.
31. Stewardesses is the longest
word that is formally
typed
with only the left hand.
32. Armadillos have four babies
at a time and they are
always
the same sex.
33. To escape the jaws of a crocodile,
push your thumbs
into
its eyes - it will release you instantly.
34. If you toss a penny 10,000
times, it will come up
heads
approximately 4950 times because the heads
picture
weighs more than the tails side, so it ends
up on
the bottom more often.
35. Hydroxydeoxycorticosterones
is the longest anagram
in the
English language.
36. Los Angeles' full name is
El Pueblo de Nuestra
Senora
la Reina de los Angeles de Pornciuncula.
37. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
38. Al Capone's business card
said he was a furniture
dealer.
39. The longest recorded flight
of a chicken is 13
seconds.
40. Wilma Flintstone's maiden
name was Wilma
Slaghoopal,
and Betty Rubbles' maiden name was
Betty
Jean Mcbricker.
41. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
42. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
43. The Ramses brand condom is
named after the great
Pharaoh
Ramses II, who fathered over 160 children.
44. If NASA sent birds into space,
they would soon die
because
birds need gravity to swallow.
45. Dueling is legal in Paraguay
as long as both
parties
are registered blood donors.
46. The computer term "byte" is
a contraction of "by
eight."
47. The average ear of corn has
eight hundred kernels
arranged
in sixteen rows.
48. The famous split-fingered
Vulcan salute is actually
intended
to represent the first letter ("shin",
pronounced
"sheen") of the word "shalom". As a
boy,
Leonard Nimoy observed his rabbi using it in a
benediction
and never forgot it; he was eventually
able
to add it to Star Trek lore.
49. The idea that "the Boogie
Man will get you" comes
from
the Boogie people, who still inhabit an area
of Indonesia.
These people still act as pirates
today,
and attack passing ships.
50. Underground is the only word
in the English
language
that begins and ends with the letters
"und."
51. Barbie's last name is Roberts.
15 Laws For Women to Live by:
1) Don't imagine you can change a man unless
he's in diapers.
2) What do you do if your boyfriend walks
out? Shut the door.
3) If they can put a man on the moon - then
they should be able to put them all up there.
4) Never let your man's mind wander - It's
too little to be out alone.
5) Go for younger men. You might as
well - they never mature anyway.
6) Men are all the same - they just have different
faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7) Definition of a bachelor; a man who has
missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8) Women don't make fools of men - most of
them are the do-it yourself types.
9) Best way to get a man to do something,
is to suggest they are too old for it.
10)Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11)If you want a committed man, look in a
mental hospital.
12)The children of Israel wandered around
the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask
for directions.
13)If he asks what sort of books you're interested
in, tell him checkbooks.
14)Remember a sense of humor does not mean
that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15)Sadly, all men are created equal.
No wonder the English language
is so very difficult to learn:
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
It was great to live through the change of a century, and watch live T.V.coverage.
Enjoy some comedy
based on Movies and T.V.
Enjoy some genealogy humor
AAA Jokes
The
Famous Darwin Awards
The
Dialector
You might
be a .......if
You might be a bad cook if... you find bones
in the toast.
You might be a bad driver if....you hit the
car infront of you while trying to back up.
You might be addicted to caffeine if...you
take your morning coffee with you in the shower.